New Every Mourning…

God’s mercies are new every morning. And with the dawn, wise men have said that Joy comes.

I have often found this to be true.

Today, as I sat quietly, welcoming the first light of the day, a new perspective came into view. You see, some sunrises don’t hold smiles or giggles. Instead they bring a batch of fresh tears… hot and erupting.

Grief will surprise us with it’s presence from time to time.

It’s been 6 months since my big brother took his last breath on Christmas morning last year. When waves of grief come, it is not a debilitating, soul-crushing experience anymore… not like it was in the beginning. The emotion comes to the surface, spills out and somehow leaves me a little lighter. A little stronger, even. This is new. And in my heart I accept this as part of the journey.

God’s mercies are new every mourning.

Somewhere in the midst of this grieving process, a shift has come. Now, when sorrow passes over me like a cloud, I realize it is only to bring a shower of remembrance and a reminder of never ending connection. For me and those who are growing in understanding of bereavement, there is precious hope.

We still love.

We are still loved.

And that love lives on forever.

Lord, thank you for new mercies that are lavished upon us… especially on the mornings that we are greeted with fresh grief. May we feel the consequences of opening our hearts and lives to deep, deep love. May we look to you for comfort and enlightenment when relationship shifts from the physical form we understand most. Let us never become reluctant to feel our way through the full experience. We choose to let love overwhelm our heart, overflow from our eyes and run down our cheeks… knowing that this, too, is a part of living a gorgeous life. 

Thank you, for the dawn of a new day and the new mercies that are revealed in the mourning.

With gratitude and peace in knowing,

Tracye

Broken Open

Life deeply altered… a less frequent smile
but a shimmering hope and a light in her eyes.
She walks on through dimly lit moments.

Broken Open… Shining.

A peace returning… trust being restored.
One day into the next, brand new steps are taken
into the unknown.
Past the fear and into brilliance.

Broken Open… Becoming.

Wide-open heart, unwilling to go numb
feeling every intensity of both pain and bliss.
Tasting it
the salt of tears and the honey of kindness when it comes around.

Broken Open… Healing.

Seaside tenderness… the ocean her close friend.
Walks along waters that truly listen to her story.
Waves and wind that hold on so that she can let go

Broken Open… Releasing.

With feathers in her hair and a ring in her nose
Scarves to adorn earthen-toned clothes
Her sparkle has changed
It is her heart now that radiantly shows.
She is.

Broken Open… Beautiful.

xo,
Tracye

>A New Beginning…

>Here I go again… starting over.
It seems to be a theme for my life.

So this time, instead of making all of the promises I never keep… I’ll just be excited about this post today. Okay…

So life is still interesting as always… and I’m still the same, over-thinking, pondering, discussing, ready to share girl I’ve always been. And I’m finding out more and more… that it’s totally okay.

Life’s sure changed ALOT since October of 2006. Goodness… that seems a million years ago.

And you know what… instead of wasting time… and emotions on trying to bring you up to speed with all the changes… I’m just going to start from today… and in time, if you continue to read this… you’ll figure out what’s different for yourself :0)
Sounds good to me.

I’m watching “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”… and eating Chocolate ice cream from Baskin Robbins right now. It’s great therapy for the cranky, moody, girlyness I’m going through today.

It feels funny to be this crabby because I’ve been so “on top of the world” for so long. But it all seemed to hit me on Friday… all the anger, hurt and well just so many unhappy feelings that I’ve been working on not feeling. smiling.

I don’t like being sad… it’s really alot less fun than being silly or wild and crazy… you know?
But I suppose that we get ourselves into trouble when we try to have all joy and no sorrow, huh? i’m learning.

You know… somedays… I feel so grown up and ready to conquer it all. I feel able to be professional with my clients and a mentor to the young people in my life.
Somedays I just feel soooo capable!

not today.

Today, I would like to be beside my mommy… watching black and white movies and eating popcorn or whatever else we decided we wanted. Just being together… talking some, being quiet some… and falling asleep here and there.

that would be so nice.
i really miss her, especially today.

i miss a few things today… a few people.
and u know what… some of them don’t miss me.
some of them feel free now.
now that i am out of their life.
it’s surprising to know that i am that to someone.
someone to get away from.

ouch.

really ouch.

But the world doesn’t stop turning and life is still to be lived. And I plan to live it.

I may be damaged… yes, deeply wounded right now. Still there is love. Still there is hope… and still God is amazing.

i hope you’re having a happy day today.
it hasn’t been for me… but hey, i suppose you can’t stay on a happy streak forever.

at some point, you’ll run into an old mutual friend… and it won’t be there words, but their silence that hurts so bad.
sometimes in an effort to spare us pain, people will wound us with the things that are left unsaid.
yes, we need nearness. we need smiles and to laugh.

but me…

today…

i really needed words.