Archive for April, 2009

April 4, 2009

>I wanted you to be wonderful…

>Hopeful.
Hungry.
Longing for wonderful… to come and smile at me.

I’ve been smiling so long… about flowers and moonlight, new dresses and cute postage stamps.
I thought you’d give me a better reason.

My fingers on the buttons, I thought the time had come to call up Momma and say “Finally”!

She called before I could.
We talked.
I faked a laugh and never let her know that my eyes were still red with tears.
After all these years,
you wouldn’t think it would still hurt so bad.

I wanted you to be a Star… if only to me.
To my family.
You would have been a hero… someone different and accepting.
You would have been “sent by God”, and just in the nick of time… before she
lost
her mind.
That’s what they’d say.
And I’d silently agree… just a bit ashamed.

I wanted you to be unlike the rest… to want me and not need me…
to take pleaure in who I am…
rather than calling upon my gifts and talents for your dream come true to…
well, come true.

But no.
It was not so.
Once again, it’s not yet time…
and I
am still where I’ve always been…
again.

I wanted so much for you.

I wanted you to be wonderful.

April 4, 2009

>Not okay…

>I often go from highs to lows in 0.7 seconds.
Life is so full of complexity and yet simply… I believe that in those moments when I am faced with something or someone that makes me feel substandard… though it shouldn’t, it still rocks me to my core.

My heart.
Such a messy place… such a scary warzone, even for the one who keeps it locked in side.
So much art, unrevealed for fear of judgement.

Am I abnormal? Is my life too outside the box?
I’m not even sure I ever had one to begin with.
Can someone tell me where to buy one?

Who do I have to know?
What do I have to give… to feel complete, for real?

They told me it was in God?
But still on somedays, I’m so very empty I could die.
Simply. Stop. Breathing.
Why does everything take so much effort.
And why does so little come back to you?

I feel as though I’m always losing… and cheering. You can do it, everyone else. You can be that! You can go there! Your dreams will come true.
And you know what? They do.

And I turn the calendar… another year… another page… another tear… repress the rage… smile anyway and say ” i’m okay”.
But I’m not.

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