Inside of Surrender…

I am walking through a season that I did not expect. The past few years of my life have been equal parts beauty and manageable disruption. So much has changed since the last time my words showed up on this blog… and although I am different, I am very much the same girl as I was back then.

In the year that I last posted, I was deeply broken. Suffering the devastation of dreams shattered, my life was put back together through art and prayer.
One day, along the heart-healing journey, I was able to finally ask specifically for what I wanted and not be double-minded.
Manifestation came quickly, and I stand in the very center of that request fulfilled.

I am a fiance.
I am a business owner.
I am a writer.
I am a coach.
I am a holder of two degrees.
I have held tightly to my  intention of never having regrets.
I have given the very best of myself in every way I can fathom.
And now, I stand in the Light of Truth… being transformed by a call to Surrender.

Surrender.

It is a loaded word.
I am living it… and the power of it both shakes me and soothes me daily.

Much of what I thought I knew, is now fading.
Truth has a way of overshadowing most everything we think is important.
It all pales in the Light.

I am living in it…
Surrender.

My view is being altered.
I am blinded some days, by the intensity of what I must see.
And at other times, I find comfort in what it blocks from my view.

I am learning, that surrender requires me to let go.
Not in a haphazard, irresponsible way…
But in trust that true control lies in Hands far greater than mine.

There is so much fear in the unknown.
Surrender says to come and explore.
I am willing to take this journey…
to release the preliminary feelings and dive deep into what lies beyond emotion.

I long to know what life is when we live deeply authentic.
When our no means no…
And our yesses are strategic… not said to stay in good graces
I desire to make an impact of healing
to teach and exhibit kindness
not only for the sake of others…
but that my own heart would be considered in the process, too.

I have not been called to be a martyr.
But I am willing to allow the lies to die
… to let them fall away
… that every hook and weight from this world would be released
That I may find peace in Presence-keeping and be an example
in whatever way pleases Him.

I am living this
Fading into the depths of it.

Light, come lead the way.
I am willing
I am trusting
I surrender.

>Again!

>Well well well!
It’s been a long time since I’ve posted, once again!

Here I am… picking up where I left off… again!

Life has been quite interesting since spring time (I think that was probably the last time I posted). Many changes have happened… some joyous, some heartbreaking. And yet, there is one thing that lasts through all of the changes. I’m still here! Smile.

I’ve met new friends… parted ways with some old… reacquainted with past loves and sighed at the thought of fanning a new flame.
Does it ever get easier? Make complete sense?

Tonight, I sit on my bed… too sick with a cold to join my friends for coffee and a great word… yet not sick enough to forget all of the things on my mind and turn in for the night at 6pm :0)

Restless… would be a good word for me.

My lifestyle has changed so much… some from my own doing… some by the choices of others.
And for the first time in my life, newness is not overwhelmingly welcome.

Have you ever grieved what was never really there? Awaken to realize you had been dreaming, yet not asleep?
Hope deferred makes the heart grow sick… I think I could write this story.
But not because I long to linger in the sadness of “this will never be”… but because I know that God has a turning of the page in near sight for me!!

At the end of me… I am discovering a place in God that I had only imagined there could be. In Him, I am finding that I do not have to have all the answers. I do not have to know the reasons behind the obedience. I don’t have to be strong enough not to cry.
He reassures me that it’s okay to hurt.
He comforts me in abandonment.
He holds me when even in the summer sun, my heart feels cold.
He tells me it’s alright to share my feelings… the deep ones that others would never share with just anybody.
And again… it alright for there to be more tears.

But there’s a morning!
Oh, what a sweet morning it is!!
For after the weeping… after the wailing… after the hurt so deep you feel you’ll drown… JOY COMES IN THE MORNING!!!!

I’m not sure where you are right now in your life. Maybe you’re on the mountain top! Maybe you’re walking on the water… Maybe you’re smiling with the radiance of one who is content… or maybe like me… you’re rising from a long wintery season of life!
No matter where you are… it’s okay. God is STILL in control.

I am looking forward to what Spring will bring… as my heart is renewed.

And as I begin again… to share Life from my view.. I ask that the Lord will be exalted through each line… each word… each personal truth.

Dear Daddy,

It’s been so long since I desired to put words to what my heart has been feeling. This summer has not been the most joyous one of my life. There have been so many hard things… and yes, so many joys… yet my clouded mind found it easier to linger upon what was painful. But God, I thank you that… as always, you’ve brought me through.
You’re amazing.
Lord, may my life’s story show accurately… the face of a deeply broken woman who is prone to wander, make messes, over-think life, let you down and simply not live up to her potential.
But may the greatest and longest portion of the story be that portion that paints you to be precisely Who You Are!!!
God, You are My Savior! My Song and My Sweetheart!
You are the One Who has never turned away…
You are the One Who has never been ashamed of or bored with me.
You make everything Fine!!
Lord, You have been beside me through all of the confusing times… and have held my heart when it hurt the most! You, Oh Lord have desired me when I was the most wretched!
You… have been a Forever Friend… through all of my irritating ways. Wow! Thank you, Lord!

And so tonight… I think you for the days that have led to this one!
Though they have been difficult… I have learned more about You through them.
That makes each moment… so worth it!
Thank you for thinking I am WORTH IT!
Everything You went through for me! You’re amazing!
Thank You, Sweet Jesus… for being EVERYTHING to me!

I love you,
Tracye Lynn